Currently listening to Adele Turning Tables… suites the thoughts in my mind at the moment I guess…

                    Anyways getting along with the post I am intending to write, was inspired by @ShathS’s blog post “Broken ???” and also due to the nap I took during this boring Friday and the dream was awesome.. my own subconscious reminded me of something very important I have forgotten. Personally I don’t want this person to even matter to me at all (and for reference lets name her “Chudeyl”). As I read somewhere that “the hate I feel is only strongest because once I must have felt as much love towards the person”. So keeping that in mind the fact is that I don’t give a rat’s ass of her  existence, and she don’t deserve to have a place in my mind, and don’t even deserve the luxury of the throne of “Ex-girlfriend” as  my Queen (the one person I am still in love with although I’ll never get her back how much I wish for it.. ) still fills that corner of my empty heart… so far no one has been able to over throw her existence in my heart… and claim the queen of my heart!!!

                  Since there is an idea on the situation, In my dream I saw that it’s not only my feelings that shattered because the Chudeyl cheated on me twice and crushed my heart literally while having a smile on her face. In my dream she is with much broken feelings herself, missing me, as she'd text me too until recently i changed my number... and she'd really miss me  because I was always there when ever she looked I was there at her sight, she was annoyed because I was around most of the time… but in my dream she is missing that attention… “hell” I was there with her  when she went through a minor operation when no one else was there for her I took care and spend all time I had, skipping work and all my responsibilities jus to keep that  smile fading from her face… but yet she’d push me away more times I could count. This is just a bits and pieces of what went down in all through the time together…  As they say everyone would have their fair share of perfect love, but other personal desires consumes us and we lack the patience to see it clearly. It’s understandable because that is human nature..

                Just to feed your curiosity “Chudeyl” is Witch in Hindi language, and not a good one. “hehe”. Oh yea I know the whole “fool me once shame on you and fool me twice shame on me”, but I believe in second chances and risks too.

                 Well I was for certain that I have walked my mile through the 5 stages of Loss/Grief, and today I read the post on “Shath’s” blog and I on her theory I have one more stage that I haven’t completely grasped on.. Stage 6: Freedom. I was on my way to work on Thursday I cross paths with chudeyl on the road no eye contact just a pass by but there it was… that feelings I quote referred to shaths, “stomach lurching as if there’s a gerbil on steroids lodged in my intestines,” to my surprise it was there.. and I realized I am not truly free from it, and since then I am determined to say hi with a smile next time if ever cross paths. And truly free myself, and embrace the stage off Freedom. So there won’t be any stomach lurching.

P.S. I would rather get myself consumed with memories I made with my Queen… the four years’ worth of memories… and love... In my heart I sing a song to my Queen… and that’ll be “someone like you” cover by “Boyce Avenue”   

  *if only she knew*

 ...sigh...

...Mind Wonders...

Currently listening to : I’m Yours by Jason Mraz

Scribbling down few of the feeling going through mind..

1. Why do you want to know if I am taking part in the jamboree.. and why make your friends ask.. isn't it that obvious even if your friend ask me... is it that hard to face me, I mean I have no interest in going to it but even if I did go, would it bother you so much that you are willing to not to go jus cause I might be there… honestly, get over yourself you are married and I really shouldn’t matter now… and let along my existence bother you..

2. “Life” ~Y U NO~ fun like before… there where so many frustrating days I agree. But it is so empty now.. “oh just shut up” *my inside voice* I know I am always awesome but sometimes even I need to whine about how empty life seems… and why do I have this need to always belong to someone, it is a nice feelings to care and be cared… I guess the major problem is I hate not having plans like others do,,, and going out with friends is expensive,,, but with that special someone I could just stay home and hallelujah with her… or may be just be lazy and watch FRIENDS.... ^___^

It goes on as mind wonders... to infinity…

Currently listening to “Someone like you”, cover by Boyce Avenue.

I have started writing this couple of times and I just wasn’t able to continue. This is the 4^th time that I have started writing this.. And it’s been 3 days that I have tried. This one is a bit different and hard since I haven’t written on almost in a year. And honestly the inspiration came with me crossing paths with someone I have wished to see for quite some time.

It has been a year since I walked out of something which kept me emotionally inspired to write. And jus crossing paths with this person somehow light an old flame which was long cold. That hopes of light. *sigh*

So much has changed people move on. I fooled myself with the thought I had moved on a long time. But I was only running away from it the best way that I have ever known to solve a problem. The best part is I have seen the part where “everything happens for a Reason”, because I walked out. There was so much I couldn’t offer and still can’t. Walking past their path felt happy to notice they shared what I once had. The kind of love which gives you a silly smile even with a single thought of the person. Thinking back on the situation, I have a strong belief in “when it is the right time, the right one would come” I felt like I should be in hate. But I have a genuine smile and only wish for happiness.

There is no regret of any sorts. I share a smile with the rest of the crowd. Nothing compares, No worries or cares, Regrets and mistakes, they are memories made. Every bit of time spent was worth it. Every single laugh shared and all the fights fought. All that made all the more worthwhile. I have been once told that even the best of the married couples when faced with Long distance they have a hard time surviving.. But if they do it’s for the sake of the marriage or kids. Hell I was a teenager had no commitment of that sorts and was loyal to the very end and proud that I survived for four years, with all the complications and problems life threw at me, and as in my theory “people who are meant to be together always find their way in the end” well she found that person I was just the guide in her life towards the path. When it is my time, only god can stop me from getting my share of true love, if it exists for me. I truly believe in it since I have witnessed it in them and in few more. It is true that its rare many never believe it exists. But it is as real as the very ground we stand on.

Each day I survive through, brings me closer to the ‘one’ and Girl don’t you worry I am on my way, its jus that I am a bit lost. When I see your smile I would recognize it from a mile away. ^___^

Currently listening to Within Temptation. and its 13th the march something magical about my favorite number!!
It started out with a Polar bear breaking the ice, well not quite from the polar bear but i think that the point where it got more interesting, and yea the number 13 exist somewhere here. A single conversation.. slapped in my face and awoken the interest inside me that was sleeping for a long time. After all most people don’t know how to have a pleasant conversation, or how a conversation could be interesting just about any topic in nature. At the moment i don’t know anything about this amazing person. Personally I am drawn towards like a magnet would when induced a new magnet. We both probably are “MAGNETS” in our own social crowds where the rest are like different types of metal alloy with different levels of force of attraction. But magnets “ATTRACTS” other magnets like non other metal alloy. i guess i am going too much in to applied physics. Well like all stories there is the “BUT” part, there is the strong belief on the impression that Politics is “SEXY”. Its no biggie i always find a way around everything, how hard can it be to get around politics.. This is a personal scoop of my life for those who care. since i stopped writing much about my personal life. Getting on with the real post!!

~Letters~

Now a days who writes them? the old classic Letters.. Email and instant messenger came along and there was no need to post them. cos it was so easy and it was all digital. Digital age of communication leaped forward with the introducing of Face book then there came the twitter after it. all these means of communications are used to Flirt.. or tell some one who they feel doesn’t take much just press in to few keys and hit Enter (Return) message delivered.. and appreciated. before face book people used to spend a lot of time in Blogging then it had its flaws but it was the closes to letter. but it quite had a bright side to it. A lovely post could be written and posted dedicated to some one with out the person knowing it exist. Just as my anonymous tip about an excitement in my life :D And let know some one something personal with out others quite catching what its about. Blogs can be viewed and read by many and privacy was optional. the Letter has to be dedicated. to a soul with an address for it to be delivered.
Going back to Classic letter. the best part is its done by hand. It has personal touch and a feelings with in it.. it is not just another victim of the Digital age. Letter forged by the pen of a poet is priceless. Not that every one has to be a poet to write a letter of a feeling. When you spend time thinking about what to write what cleaver way to explain your feelings in few words and when u construct perfect little sentences placed in a nicely fluent paragraph the letter becomes complete. Know this that you are putting part of you in to that letter the hand writing and pen marks the stamps and the creative little designs makes it all personal and the reader is obligated to take a look in to it, and read it but a mail or a message can be deleted with out even having to open it. I personally believe a feeling is better expressed in a letter with a personal touch. we should keep those habits alive never let it go extinct. even the great Valentine him self wrote a letter dedicated to his beloved “from your Valentine”. All the great love stories and legends have the secretly send letters. How many of you would own a shoe box full of letters that was sent to you from some so dear. or how many of yo have a special folder in your mail box to show that how many mails he/she sent you. Mailing is cold, lifeless and there is no warmth of the feelings in it its just mere ones and zeros, (1110000110101). now try to make a sense out of that. Bottom line is taking time to sit own and using a pen starting off with Dear.... you are personally visiting your closet of love and personally putting it to words. Then again even the Couples, Lovers and the Friends are too busy to spare that time for the mere purpose of writing a letter when you just can text or mail while on-the-go. After all we are creatures oh habit, for ever doomed chasing for the shortcut in every thing. After all we are only human.

its valentines day. was searching for some thing to listen to suit my mood before i start with my post. i got lost in to youtube and some how i stumbled up on the song i have longed waited to hear i first heard it from KJ he played that song when he was here in malay 2008 since then i never knew he recorded it he did a record and posted on youtube on may 17th 2010. name of the song is Yaa raa Huvafen- by KJ.

I wanted to do something for the Valentines day this year as well since last year though i was i alone i did have some candles and my camera with me to share that special day. but this yea some how the Valentine spirit didn't kick me till after i came home being out all day for shopping. anyways this is my contribution for this special day and i hope this makes a difference. here goes....

What is “Valentines Day”? id u ever give that thought to mind? some believe its based on Christianity. as one legend says Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome, when Emperor ClaudiusII decided that single men made better solders than those who had wives and kids. CladiusII outlawed marriage for young men. Valentine, (the priest) realized the injustice of the decree, Valentine defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine’s actions where discovered, Claudius ordered that Valentine be put to death. This was one story but the history on this is not that certain.

Then there is a much more romantic and a fantasy like legend where people strongly believes in this legend. According to this legend, Valentine actually sent the first “valentine” greeting himself. While in prison, its believed that Valentine fell in love with a young girl. who was the daughter of the Jailor of the jail where Valentine was held prisoner. Jailer's Daughter visited Valentine during his confinement. Before his death. Its believed that Valentines words where a letter he wrote to his Love, which he signed “From your Valentine,” and this expression that is still in use today. and its said the February 14th is the day that Valentine was put to death but there love was never lost even till today.

On a personal view Valentines Day is the day where we take one day out of the whole year to celebrate the love for the loved on as did Valentine with his letter. we celebrate the Love that has been in existence since the dawn of time. Valentines Day does not express any celebrations for a certain religion or race. as i believe Valentines Day is a day where two certain hearts come to peace to celebrate their love despite the religion, cultural and social beliefs.

We need the love today in this broken world where hate rises like a brewing fire. we need love to tame that fire and spread peace among all with in their heart. I haven’t faced anything in life that would make me lose my beliefs in love, so i strongly believe in love and I celebrate LOVE on Valentines Day. not a dead legend or someone's death. After all what u believe is what you stand for, with out faith and belief there is no meaning of living life.

all contents in this article are referred from http://www.history.com/topics/valentines-day

Image source http://www.flickr.com/photos/emxee/

Same But Different

Currently Listening to : Dido “who makes you feel.”

Weather is like a bitt off and dark just the way i love it Thundery and Rainy and the cold Breezes.

Humans. each one of us difference from each other but same at the same time. when u take a group of people look at them as one group you stereotype, label, and categorize them. dividing groups in to jocks, nerds, goths and invisibles (who don’t belong in any category) same goes with individuals. its all about the judgement we make. Judgement is something we make due to appearances or actions. As it is in our characteristics we tend to judge other the moment we get a first glance, few looks of the person or few words about the person from a total stranger or a close one.

Human. singular! take one person separately and u will be astound on how they can be entirely something else from the rest. even if u take one single person from a labeled group such as invisibles. Lets see why they are invisibles. because there is nothing to talk or point out about these people and they certainly do not stick together in one group and talk about common stuff they have. mostly they are individuals who don’t appear in the out. Taking these as a point, individuals can be extremely different.

Personal experience is very important here. Meeting with some one getting to know that person and having an actual conversation about life, that would now change any judgments made earlier. Its humane to judge people by appearance or looks. Some times we judge the right character but giving a chance to our self to get past that label we all proudly put on others as if we are better than the rest of them. As a common group we are the same, Looking at us as individuals thats a whole different story!

Point Of View

Currently listening to Colbie Caillat : Bubbly

It’s a new year. Hoping for better starting off with a new way in to life. Speaking of Life.

Life is not what is always seems to be. There is always something good behind every bad that happens and vise versa. And with all the problems we face, life is much more easy than what we make it to be.

Lets see how different people interpret life. It’s always about point of view.

Optimist: The Glass is Half-Full

Pessimist: The Glass is Half-Empty

Realist: “Yep that’s a Glass alright

Idealist: One day Cold-Fusion from a glass of water will provide unlimited energy and End War.

Capitalist: If I bottled this Water and give it a new edgy sounding name I could make a fortune.

Communist: This drink belongs to every single one of us in Equal measure.

Conspiracist: The government is fluoridating the water for mind-control purposes.

Opportunist: There is a Funny T-shirt in here some where with a glass of water printed on.

Sexist: This glass is not going to refill itself, honeybun..

Nihilist: “The Glass does not exist, and neither do I.”

These are Different types of personalities looking at life from different angles that a single person could not possible have thought of. But adapting some these ways of thinking would really help to look at life from a different angle when you get stuck.

And that was jus about a glass and water. And yea as I see it “the glass has half water and half air so the glass is always full”.

As I say Life is not always what it seems to be, so let the mind go beyond the fullstop!

fRuStRaTiOnS!

Currently listening to – ‘taking me over’ by Evanescence.

Being stressed and bored. But guess that’s a given since its life. But expressing the real feelings it’s a bit hard but when I wrote them on a tissue on my desk was frustrated though was calm enough to write them on that tissue I know writing it out really helps me. Though most of the times it feels like breaking stuff with a golf club. Thank god I do have a golf club and have a habit of collecting many glassy stuff. But it’s too much of a value to break them over some frustration. That would jus feel weird and worthless after it’s all broken.

I know I’m writing crap here and most of who reads this wont actually get where I’m getting at. Those who get it I have my sympathies since you understand, my twisted way of thinking and my mind games. You should have gone through a lot to actually understand all the crap I put out. Any ways I don’t thinks this post will be too long.

Writing helps be put out my frustrations and Music from Evanescence its really my mood lifter well actually not a mood lifter but helps be to be in my frustrated mood in a controlled level. Past three days have been all in bed days watching movies. I jus need some changes in life that I can’t wait to have. I know life is like this it’s not happy always believe me in a way I love the frustrations. And sometimes its hard to be the person who is always great. Some times I think about why I taught my self, how to let go of things that easily and find wired reasons to smile about. This is the last of the post thinking about a picture to put in this post and a heading. I guess I love my frustrated days too. Anyways see you guys in the next post and those who didn’t get what was my point in this post its better that way.

Currently listening to 3 Doors Down – I’m here with out you

End of the Chapter.
Life is a funny thin it has brought us happiness and at the same time brought us sadness. And every one feels one of these feelings at some point of life and its an endless cycle. This post will be a shocking post for who read this and who actually know me for a long time, today my life ended a chapter of my life which I have been writing for three years. It began with a kiss on May 12th 2007 and this chapter came to an end today July 21st 2010. To summarize why this happened, its something I have been thinking for a long time due to many reasons and many of those reasons involve my carelessness too. Its was on a collision course since last year and given the circumstance I got lazy when it come to solving problems and I didn’t care much about my actions since I knew it can never be changed. I believe how much pain and suffering I brought to you and I didn’t know how to appreciate your loyalty. However how loyal the relation was it was a trust issue between us. And for a very long time I try to avoid it and move and but every time I come back to where I started and later on I didn’t care much. After all that I realized the best thing for both of us would be taking separate pathways. So I took the a step out and tried to move on, I tried before also but every time I remind my self I can still work my way through any problem, but this time I had to take that leap out of the best thing I ever had for the past three yeas which became very suffocating over time. We both know we never where happy later on thought we love each other. And u where never ready to let go because of your love to me. This time I tried with a lot of thinking and after a lot of talks to with my friends and I came to a conclusion that It was time to move on. So I did. and yes I am scared that I might regret this decision but still there is no life with out any risks. Thank you for being there for me and being loyal to us and all I can say is I’m sorry for the pain I have caused you hopefully you’ll get healed soon. If I leaned a life lesion from this relation, I learned is that, Happiness is important than love. A Relation filled with love that lacks of happiness wont last. But if there was happiness and love was minimal it still would work. Happiness would create enough love for the relation to survive, not more neither less.

You fall in love just once, the rest is just living life

P.S. I’m really sorry and I apologize from my heart.

Currently listening to Avril Lavigne

Days have past so fast that I lost track of time. Since last post its been a long time. I forgot to write a post on my very important days this year the valentines, my birthday and the 3 years anniversary. Those are three important things so far that I have missed to mention a post on those days but one more is coming up its my girl’s birthday I hope I wont miss that. It’s sad that I can’t be there to celebrate her birthday with her. Leave the coming event for later, in this post ill try to explain what I have missed to write.

Starting with Valentines. Feb 14^th

Well I was home all that week didn’t go out much. Since I was alone at home I jus always like to do a little celebration of my own and I was very bored. It was my camera and me. I guess it’s me and my cameras first valentines and its sad that I didn’t have a date to go out with to a romantic place and take pictures. So since I was home I planed to do some photo shootouts. That night I used a lot of candles to make a heart shape and light them up it was the perfect heart shape I have done so far and when it was light up it looked really nice and all the work I put in to it was worth more than a romantic and expensive dinner.

Second came my 19^th Birthday. March 24^th

Well it was one of the important days of this year and first it sucked because birthday came during my exams but after exams it was great than other years that I haven been here, it was celebrated with my buddy yaan since we both had same date its was nice one of our friend sykez mom and aunt gave us a kind of a surprise. We knew the guys where taking us to some place to do something to us since it was our birthday I thought it was jus some eggs. But there was a party at sykez apartment with pizza and cake and all that. It was fun most of the friends where there and after the pizza and cake they took us down to the pool and threw us in to the pool I broke my wristwatch other than that no harm done after pool there was eggs and flour. The whole birthday tradition was there. That makes it the most enjoyed birthday and I was happy about its since it was my last teen birthday.

Third important day of the year is the 3 years of Anniversary. May 12^th

It was the most important day though I couldn’t do much I just hate being lonely here. In a way it sucks here not much to do and I don’t have the most important person with me to celebrate lost of important days and this day is important for both of us. But which makes this day so great is that in a way we are grateful for the fact that we both are far away from each other for this long and to know that we have made it this far all by our selves. It takes lots of patients and work to have come this far. Any ways stating that fact its been almost 2.5 years apart thought we saw each other in between for 3 times during the years. Coming to the present day on the anniversary day there was one of the many fights we have since we live far. That day we both didn’t speak and I kind of ignored the calls but I did let her know that I wasn’t in the mood to talk. Since the mood was spoiled between us I jus thought of overcoming it and I kept my self busy with my candle prop I like to celebrate things with candles so I did a ‘3’ shape on a big black paper and took photos. Since I was not satisfied with the ‘3’ I took still life photos of the best gift she gave to me the couple statue. It is a v special gift. As one day we where walking on the road nd I saw it in a gift shop and I took it out I said I liked it very much I wasn’t serious at all it jus looked nice and I came back to Malay and the next time some one came here she had sent me that same statue for me I was very happy but little uncomfortable knowing the price of it. Now I believe that statues value would be much more high than its cost. Any ways that day was pretty special but it sucked because I was alone. I wish to have a anniversary together soon. Looking forward for 4^th anniversary.

Currently listening to a Acoustic Cover of LADY GAGA – Paparazzi by Lynzei Since it’s a Saturday noting much is there to do but I have some friends coming over later today, but for the mean time its just me alone in my room like always :D Anyways thought of writing a post here since its been some time that I haven’t written anything. Also i have been thinking about some stuff and though ill give it a written form to see how you guys judge it.ing. Also i have been thinking about some stuff and though ill give it a

Stop for a moment and Think about it……

Well all I write is about my life maybe some times refer to others as well. This time its some thing I write to myself and also if u think this relates to you in any way don’t take too much time to “stop for a moment and think about it”.

For us when we get some thing that we like a lot, we really do appreciate it and we care for it so much. With in the time spend we actually fall in love with it and it will be the person or thing that u have that u cherish more than your life. I’ll still stop here now you think about what it is that u have like that?

So now clear what or who it is in your life? Great now ask your self this question “in your life what do u want for the rest of your life till u die?” A life filled with LOVE but v less happiness, nothing happening, a life so dull OR A life where there is love but HAPPINESS is what is always there?

Whenever you feel like there is a better opportunity, and to achieve that there is some sacrifice that u have to do, do not hesitate, “stop for a moment and think about it” compare u life with what you have now and what will u achieve if you take the chance and is it worth the sacrifice. Let me make it light for you. Most situations when u are in it its worth to sacrifice. Cos an opportunity never comes around that easily and you don’t have all the time to wait for the second chance most probably you’ll regret life and for not taking that chance.

About my place in this situation. Well I think v far ahead so I anise this opportunity and all of it pretty soon so I still do have time to “stop for a moment and think about it” but when the moments comes I will let you people know and all about my situation.

see you guys later with more problems, solutions and situations :D

Something Like LIFE

Sitting here in one of the cabins in the college, it’s free time till 4pm its yet jus 1pm. Listening to Creed: one last breath. Thought I would write this and don’t have a better time to write :D

Well this is life. And it keeps going on, just like a countryside road where you see a long road ahead mostly a straight road stretched towards horizon till it vanishes in to one point. That’s my life so far. Along the way there might be some bumps but it feels good as if I’m sitting on a bike riding it’s comfortably, wind brushing through my hair.

Achievement. That’s something that makes us happy. Because when we realize that we have been working towards something and when we reach some point of it we feel happy. The feeling that we get when we know we have done something good with our life so far. And for me personally to day seems to be that day. There have been times that I have felt like giving up. But see it all worked out. I actually feel like the word giving up isn’t necessary when it comes to life meters, Anyways we will have to walk our way through it , in this journey we cant jus stop and get off the road… but some people go under so much pressure that they choose not to continue. But there is no fun in that cause you wouldn’t know how the story ends.

We obviously know the story I have been writing is in the same volume of my life since 2007, and so far this chapter have been so interesting that I think I’ll still keep writing. By the way forgot to mention that I am celebrating something today and its’ for you people to figure out what it is.

I guess I write too much when I write. Btw it’s a v special day for special and me some one. That special some one will know how I feel and what it’s all about. I wont go in to details cause I want to keep it like that till “I celebrate NEW YEAR”. Now what do I mean by that? Stick around read upcoming post you’ll get it soon :D