Currently listening to Adele Turning Tables… suites the
thoughts in my mind at the moment I guess…
Anyways getting along with the post I am intending to write,
was inspired by @ShathS’s blog post “Broken ???” and also due to the nap I took
during this boring Friday and the dream was awesome.. my own subconscious
reminded me of something very important I have forgotten. Personally I don’t want
this person to even matter to me at all (and for reference lets name her “Chudeyl”).
As I read somewhere that “the hate I feel is only strongest because once I must
have felt as much love towards the person”. So keeping that in mind the fact is
that I don’t give a rat’s ass of her existence,
and she don’t deserve to have a place in my mind, and don’t even deserve the
luxury of the throne of “Ex-girlfriend” as
my Queen (the one person I am still in love with although I’ll never get
her back how much I wish for it.. ) still fills that corner of my empty heart…
so far no one has been able to over throw her existence in my heart… and claim
the queen of my heart!!!
Since there is an idea on the situation, In my dream I saw
that it’s not only my feelings that shattered because the Chudeyl cheated on me
twice and crushed my heart literally while having a smile on her face. In my dream
she is with much broken feelings herself, missing me, as she'd text me too until recently i changed my number... and she'd really miss me because I was always there when
ever she looked I was there at her sight, she was annoyed because I was around
most of the time… but in my dream she is missing that attention… “hell” I was
there with her when she went through a
minor operation when no one else was there for her I took care and spend
all time I had, skipping work and all my responsibilities jus to keep that smile fading from her face… but yet she’d push me away more times I could count. This is
just a bits and pieces of what went down in all through the time together… As they say everyone would have their fair
share of perfect love, but other personal desires consumes us and we lack the patience
to see it clearly. It’s understandable because that is human nature..
Just to feed your
curiosity “Chudeyl” is Witch in Hindi language, and not a good one. “hehe”. Oh yea
I know the whole “fool me once shame on you and fool me twice shame on me”, but
I believe in second chances and risks too.
Well I was for certain that I have walked my mile through
the 5 stages of Loss/Grief, and today I read the post on “Shath’s” blog and I on
her theory I have one more stage that I haven’t completely grasped on.. Stage
6: Freedom. I was on my way to work on Thursday I cross paths with chudeyl on
the road no eye contact just a pass by but there it was… that feelings I quote referred
to shaths, “stomach lurching as if there’s a gerbil on
steroids lodged in my intestines,” to my surprise it was there.. and I realized
I am not truly free from it, and since then I am determined to say hi with a
smile next time if ever cross paths. And truly free myself, and embrace the
stage off Freedom. So there won’t be any stomach lurching.
P.S. I would rather get myself consumed with memories I made
with my Queen… the four years’ worth of memories… and love... In my heart I sing
a song to my Queen… and that’ll be “someone like you” cover by “Boyce Avenue”
*if only she knew*
...sigh...
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